Jokes Idioms Puns

This page is more for the ‘lighter’ side of learning, but behind this is a very important rule when learning: you can learn easier and keep things in mind much longer when having fun. So have a look at our jokes, funny stories, idioms  and something very important in English speaking countries: the pun. A pun is a play with words and if you explore a little further you will find out how puns work. Let your creativity roll and make up your own puns. You are then invited to send them to us by e-mail and the interesting ones will end up on this very page!

A man was making his weekly check with the unemployment office.
“I think we have a job for you this week,” the manager said.
“There is an opening at the Eagle Laundry. Would you like to apply for it?”
“I need a job real bad,” the man said, “but I don’t think they would hire me. You see, I’ve never washed an eagle.”

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
“If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student: I is the…
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after “I”. Always put ‘am’ after “I”.
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

A guy says to his friend, “Guess how many coins I have in my pocket.”
The friends says, “If I guess right, will you give me one of them?”
The first guys says, “If you guess right, I’ll give you both of them!”

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, “Mira el mosca!” The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, “No, senor, ‘la mosca’… es feminina.”
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens… you must have incredibly good eyesight.”

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

Sign in a hair salon: Curl up and dye.
At a tire store: Time to re-tire.
“I’m a softball pitcher,” said Bob underhandedly.
“I’m going to kill Dracula,” said Bob painstakingly.
“Ships ahoy,” said Bob fleetingly.
“I’ll have to take the telegrapher’s test again,” said Bob remorsely.
Old reporters never die — They just meet their deadlines.
Old electricians never die — They just loose their spark.
Metronome — A city elf.
Stucco — What you get when you sit on gummo.
Khakis — What you use to start your automobile in Boston.
Psychologist: A person that pulls habits out of rats.
One frog to another: Time’s fun when your having flies.
Ecologists believe that a bird in the bush is worth two in the hand.
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Famous Marketing Screws-up

  1. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure stick.”
  2. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most people can’t read.
  3. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).
  4. Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave,” in Chinese.
  5. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Ke-kou-ke-la,” meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax,” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “ko-kou-ko-le”, translating into “happiness in the mouth.”
  6. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “it won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” Instead, the company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

Marriage is not a word but a sentence.

  • Anonymous

A successful lawsuit is one worn by a policeman.

  • Robert Frost

Do you realize if it weren’t for Edison we’d be watching TV by candlelight?

  • Al Boliska

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

  • Samuel Goldwyn

Be careful about reading health books you might die from a misprint.

  • Mark Twain

Time wounds all heels.

  • Anonymous

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

  • Oliver Herford

A gentleman is someone who is never unintentionally rude.

  • Oscar Wilde

The two most beautiful words in the English language are: “check enclosed.”

  • Dorothy Parker

Usually, the food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the art that you get in restaurants.

  • Ralph Collier

Headaches are all in your mind.

  • Anonymous

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

  • Al Boliska

The trees in Siberia are miles apart that’s why the dogs are so fast.
Bob Hope
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Spoonerisms
The Reverend William Spooner was a clergyman at New College Oxford from 1903 to 1924. He was not an exceptional scholar and also didn’t boast a thrilling personality but he is still remembered today for his habit of metaphasis, a phenomenon later known globally as ‘spoonerism’. He mixed the sounds at the beginning of words. So instead of having the usual meal of ‘fish and chips’ accompanied by a ‘pot of tea’, Mr Spooner would go for a portion of ‘chish and fips’ and a nice ‘tot of pea’.
Talking to his students, Reverend Spooner issued the following sentences:

‘You have hissed my mystery lectures.’
‘You have tasted a whole worm.’
Can you ‘descramble’ those metaphasical sentences and find out what the good old Reverend really wanted to say? (see below for the solution)
The truth is that people were writing Spoonerisms before the Reverend Spooner was even born. A book from 1622 describes how a man in an inn wanted to say: ‘I must go and buy a dagger,’ but instead said, ‘I must go and dye a beggar.’ A character in an 1854 novel took out a tobacco pouch and invited his friend to ‘poke a smipe’.
‘You have missed my history lectures.’You have wasted a whole term.’